zero carb

JavaTrolling
02/09/2011 - 17:26

Do you have a paleo or real food blog? Ever noticed how exciting it is when your favorite blog gets attacked by trolls? Jealous that your blog doesn't get that kind of exciting attention? Fret no more, because I have an offer that will spice up your blog forever. 

When I was working on a project at my job, I realized that it would be very simple to write a comment generator using my favorite troll comments I've collected over the years. For your pleasure, I have translated them into what they actually say for your clarity and created a simple tool that allows your to splice them together for a fun and original experience! Simply post them in the comments of your blog to show your readers that you are popular enough to attract the internet's less intelligent denizens. 

First introduced by Free the Animal and on my Twitter and Facebook feeds, the official smug vegan troll comment generator outputs comments for all your posts that even mention vegans or that eating meat might be good. Our unique formula emulates the smug vegan's typical lack of education in economics, biology, and nutrition with their earnest belief that they know what is best for everyone else. 

Here is just one out of thousands of comments that our generator can bring you!

Becoming an ex-vegan is somewhat like becoming an ex-antiracist or an ex-antisexist -- you have to wonder just how unprejudiced the person was to begin with. I haven't read it, but the report Livestock's Long Shadow says that meat causes most of the world's problems. Don't tell me that there are different production methods, I can only think simplistically and can only consider one perfect diet, which is vegan. I am pretty sure this blog post and all things mentioned in it must have been sponsored by the nefarious Weston A. Price Foundation, an organization funded by wealthy zebra-ranching cabels.

BUT WAIT! For the low low price of $0.00 you can get our bonus! You see, popular paleo blogs don't just get vegan trolls, they get paleo trolls too, which are even more annoying because at first they seem like they are on your side. The result is hours of fun arguments! Our special algorithm combines slavish devotion to a few studies they didn't read with general ignorance of biology and a dash of judgemental scorn. Believe me, these folks know everything about nutrition and they'll let you know that their way is the best and only way to health. With this generator you can replicate the real experience of having a member of the zero carb Hezbollah, the literalist paleo orthodoxy, or just garden variety assholes contributing totally incompetent blathering devoid of scientific reasoning on all your favorite posts!  Don't miss out on our self-righteous paleo generator! 

The way paleolithic people lived has to do with this story about how men who liked flank steak had the biggest left pectoral muscles and because of some famines that I think happened because life seemed really hard, the men with the big left pectoral muscles were more attractive to cavewomen. The Bellevue experiment, despite being one short experiment, totally showed us that we can maintain perfect health indefinitely on an all-meat diet. Only non-paleo plants contain toxins. Maybe you feel fine eating these non-paleo foods now, but you never know when you might erupt tiny panda-shaped cysts on your face. It could take decades. You'll suffer and you won't be able to go back and undo the damage.

Edit: Haha, Dr. Kurt Harris gave me a new one "I don't eat plants because Owsley Stanley told me not to. He made 5 million hits of acid, so he knows more about chemistry than you do." 

Comment?: 0
Raw Meat?
02/03/2010 - 21:57

 

Raw flesh might sound scary, but every traditional healthy culture studied by Weston A. Price ate at least some raw animal products. I was reminded of that when I dug up this article from the Washington Post about raw meat eating in Siberia. Raw meat also has a following in NYC too and I know several people who subsist on over 50% raw. I started doing raw foods as a vegan, but I gradually moved over to raw meat when I found that raw veganism made me feel malnourished and fatigued. That was a time in my life when I had been a little wild and I had probably done some damage to my stomach. I found raw meat, eggs, and fish was about the only thing that I could eat that didn't make me feel like crap. I never fell ill during this time. 

Why don't I eat raw anymore? Well, I certainly eat plenty of raw foods still, primarily oysters, fish, and some grass fed meat. But raw is expensive because you really have to be careful about sourcing and you absorb fewer calories per gram of meat according to Richard Wrangham's book Catching Fire. I'm also a foodie at heart and once my stomach was healed, it was hard for me to find a reason not to eat delicious cooked food. But the raw paleos have some good arguments for their way of eating and it is definitely beneficial to eat some raw food even if it's just an oyster or two. 

There has also been lots of buzz about carnivore-only diets in the paleo community lately. Such diets are traditional and there are numerous instances of healthy peoples like the Inuit who ate that way. Arctic explorer Vilhjalmur Stefansson was perhaps one of the first urban NYC cavemen when he frequented Greenwich Village Salons back in the 1930s. Studying the Inuit, he was amazed to find that there were healthy despite eating a diet of almost 100% flesh. Back in the States, he did a study where he and another explorer agreed to eat only meat for a year to prove anyone could be healthy on such a diet. The diet was a success and he remains an idol to the carnivore community. I suggest everyone check out his excellent books.

I think though that while such diets can be successful, they are not paleo (there is no evidence of completely carnivorous pre-neolithic cultures) and not necessarily appropriate for everyone. In the long term, Inuit suffer from osteoporosis, probably because of excessive amounts of protein. There are some genetic differences that appear to allow them to eat their diet more successfully. Carnivore is just one option to investigate if other diets don't work, but it can be a difficult road and perhaps it's not so optimal for the long term. 

Either way, there is much we can learn from cultures like the Inuit. Here are several rules I have gleaned

  • Eat both marine and land animals
  • Eat LOTS of fat and enjoy it!
  • Eat at least some of your meat and fish raw
  • Eat nose to tail...marrow, brains, eyeballs, and all the nasty bits
Comment?: 4
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